Little Infinite Haiku Poetry Contest

I entered Little Infinite’s haiku poetry contest. Vote for me here!

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Introduction

Hi peeps,

I want to stay anonymous for now, so, my name is M. I’m eighteen years old and I have a lot of thoughts swirling in my head that I need to get out.

I’ve been struggling a lot with using my voice. So, when I struggle to speak my truth, I put my pen to paper and bleed.

I’ll be using this platform to share about my days and to share my thoughts in many ways. I write poetry and prose. Sometimes I’m straightforward about what I’m going through and other times I share my heart and my head through metaphors when it’s too hard to understand what’s happening.

I struggle with major depression and four types of anxiety that are debilitating. I’m expecting this experience to be cathartic since writing helps me release hard energies and gives me a sense of peace.

Anyway, welcome to Thinking Sessions with My Heart and My Head!!! I’m excited to go on this new journey with you all and myself.

Gratitude 5/17/19

1. I’m grateful for people’s stories that teach me valuable lessons.

2. I’m grateful for books that allow me to rest and escape while at the same time speaking to my heart.

3. I’m grateful for friends who remind me who I am and remind me what I’m called to do.

4. I’m grateful for people who see value in all things and in all people and I’m grateful for people who are able to see the bigger picture and love others in their flaws and in their successes.

5. I’m grateful for everyone inside me who continues to keep me safe and shield me from the things that I cannot cope with. I know that when I’m finally free and am able to heal, the truth will come out. But, until then, thank you to all my parts for saving me time and time again.

Gratitude 5/15/19

1. I’m grateful for writers that speak to my soul and tell me what I need to hear.

2. I’m grateful for the ability to write down my innermost thoughts even though I have a hard time verbalizing them.

3. I’m grateful for beautiful life-giving trees and their ability to soothe my anxious energy.

4. I’m grateful for my Professor who showed me unconditional love and forgiveness especially when I didn’t think I deserved it.

Let me be everything that I am

Photo by Filip Zrnzević on Unsplash

Let me be happy.

Let me be sad.

Let me be a storm.

Let me be the sun.

Let me shout my love.

Let me shout my pain.

Let me hide my love.

Let me hide my pain.

Let me look at women.

Let me look at men.

Let me cry indefinitely.

Let me laugh indefinitely.

Let me stay stagnant.

Let me keep changing.

Let me feel rage.

Let me feel peace.

Let me speak.

Let me shut my mouth.

Let me say yes.

Let me say no.

Let me hold myself back.

Let me grow.

Let me make mistakes.

Let me choose.

Love me when I’m myself and

Love me when I’m not.

Just let me be, ‘cause I’m tired of fighting the shame that envelops everything that I do.

Just love me for me.

~A letter to my family? Or a letter to myself?

Sometimes I wonder if home is something I’ll ever find

I want home to be found someplace deep inside me, where colorful gardens can grow.

But my being will always encompass the energy of winter, of darkness.

My lungs are gasping for air, for light, for the dark days are too long.

I fear my own darkness. I repress and suppress, not letting it see the light.

My darkness consumes, it doesn’t lead to transformation.

When will my shadow give birth to new life, to inner light?

I express this pain of feeling and try to accept this emptiness.

Will it be enough to spark a flame?

Where’s peace? Where’s divine light? When will my days grow brighter?

Is this the end? Or the start of something new?

I just want to see the beautiful garden inside me bloom again.

It’s easy to find home in the light. But, I want to find home in my darkness. Maybe this pain will lessen.

It’s winter in my soul, I need rest.

Lonely

When will I let myself be human in public?

I’m hiding in my journal.

I’m hiding within the four corners of my mind.

I’m hiding what’s inside.

My fears are displayed.

My throat is dismayed.

And I unintentionally dissuaded the others from being my friend.

Trying to stay sane and letting myself be insane leads to the same conclusion…

No one is around to help my feet land firmly on the ground.

No one is around when I finally place my feet on the ground.